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The Big (Probably Not Shocking) Reveal

Today I put in my two weeks notice at work, which means that something awesome is about to happen. I’ve been waiting months for this.

I’m going back to Europe.

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Thriving

It’s been a strange day. In announcing that I was having bad luck, some good luck came to me in the form of extra work. Perhaps now that I’m announcing my good luck, the stakes will revert back, but it’s a chance I’m willing to take.

I’ve been spending a lot of time wondering about courage. Why was I so courageous as a teenager and now so meek as an adult? Why do I get overwhelmed at the idea of a challenge when I used to take on just one more thing, just to see if I could handle the pressure?

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Someday, I won’t live here.

Little towns have their perks. You don’t live in a bustling city full of murderers and homeless people. Fear doesn’t stare you in the face, you know your neighbours and there’s less traffic.

Unfortunately there’s a giant flipside to that coin. Small towns talk. They talk and talk, generating drama and gossip about anything the people deem to be different or weird. The people you know become the people you want to avoid. Drama lurks at every corner, because small towns are boring. Continue reading

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Bring me the night

I am a lucky girl (who should post more often). I have an amazing man in my life. Someone who has given up a lot, changed the way he lives and has guided me through a lot of the tough stuff in my life over the last year and two months.

He had given me the chance to see the world and to experience things that I had no idea existed. Because of him, I walked the streets of London, Gent and Bordeaux. Because of him, I’ve slowly started to regain my long lost confidence. He believes in me when I don’t believe in myself. He understands when I am lost and picks me up when I’ve fallen. He forgives my anger and encourages my happiness.

He isn’t near me and the absense is strong. I feel him everywhere and think of him all the time, yet it will be countless days before I will sleep next to him. But even with the 5,000 miles between us, he still lives in my thoughts and walks with me everyday.

He is what I believed I would never find. He is what I felt I didn’t deserve.

I am a lucky girl.

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The Inevitable Holidays

It’s nearly the end of November and the world is getting ready for Christmas. The store where I work is blaring jolly tunes and the lights are going up around town. Everyone is getting into the spirit of the mad dash for the perfect gift, the perfect Christmas.

Tonight I’m feeling something that I knew was coming. It crept up on me slowly, casting it’s shadow over me slowly, as if I wouldn’t notice. Tonight I feel the weight of the decisons I’ve made and the life I live.

I won’t be spending the holidays with the man I love.

I’ve been reminding myself that it’s not really a big deal. It’s a series of days thst I’ve always spent with my family and that I should be thankful to spend with them again this year. I’ll still be able to talk to him, to spend time with him in the same ways we always do. It’s not a big deal.

Yet every three hours when the store cd player gears up for another rendition of ‘All I Want for Christmas is You” I’m filled with the temptation to rip the stereo system from whatever designated cubbyhole it resides in. How dare they look into the cracks in my emotional cement walls like that? Every single time it wears a little more away, chipping at my resolve like an artist chipping away at marble.

I’m reminded of last Christmas, our first Christmas together and his first North American holiday. The look on his face on Christmas morning, the way he fell in love with snow and detested the cold. The way he laughed during his first sledding adventure and the sheer disbelief as we dug my car out after a snowstorm. I remember all of this and it brings tears to my eyes and a smile to my face.

It’s been nearly three months since my return to Canada. We do good and we get by. We’re happy to have each other, even at such a distance. We know that planning for our future means sacrifice. It means knowing we could be together for Christmas and saying no, in order to say yes to a life together in the future. This year, I will spend my time gathering my strength to face Christmas with the cheer it deserves. For me, the greatest gift will be to handle it all with an uncharacteristic patience and grace. Christmas is all about getting miracles, afterall.

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Step one to EVERYTHING.

I’ve been researching all night. I’ve been flopping back and forth about my life and my future. It’s too hard, maybe I can’t do it. What if it doesn’t work out? Honestly, whatever. I’ve done with this lack of self confidence. I used to have a proverbial fuck ton of confidence and I’ve got the awards to prove it. It’s time to buck up and claim my future.

PS. This motivation only ever happens at night. Godverdomme!

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I don’t want to do this.

 

I don’t want to go home.

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Passions, drive and motivation

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve posted here. I feel pretty okay with that. I realize that it was supposed to be a tool to keep a log of my travels and let everyone at home see what I was up to, but honestly, Facebook kind of covered the most important aspects there. Not only was writing taking up too much of my time, it was taking focus in my mind while I was traveling. Instead of enjoying myself, I was wondering what I needed to write about next. That’s not a proper way to experience it.

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I’m now four days from the end of my trip. Four days. It’s hard to contemplate how quickly that summer went. I had an amazing, eye opening experience. Some of the trip was fantastic and other parts were very difficult. Most of those things deserve their own post. There’s not much that I can describe in just a few sentences, but we’ll get to those later.  Continue reading

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Food Binge

Today we took a trip to the grocery store to grab a few things. It was the most exciting adult experience I’ve had yet. It was surreal seeing shelves packed with food I’d never seen before and just as strange to see something familiar pop up as well. I took pictures of a few things but it’s impossible to show every little thing.

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Sleepless excitement

I’m sitting in my room, up way too late. Tomorrow I leave for Halifax, the very beginning of my trip to Belgium. Last night some of my friends helped send me off, and today I had to say farewell to others. Tomorrow I have to say farewell to my family. It’s all very surreal. My suitcase has traveled ahead of me to Halifax with the friend I’ll be staying with there. My papers are all in order and my carry on is packed. It looks like I’m all ready to go. Continue reading

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