Personal

The Year that Changed my Life

I began the year surrounded by friends and in the arms of the man I love. Since then I have seen the sky above the clouds, dipped my feet in the other side of the Atlantic Ocean and ridden a bicycle in the South of France. I have gone thousands of miles further from home than I had  ever dreamt I would.

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One small gesture.

I’ve been having one of those weeks. My life isn’t exactly falling apart, but I’m not happy with it. I’m still trying to figure out my place in the world after three months away and it’s exhausting.  Today during my lunch break I found myself texting my boyfriend and saying “I could really use some good news.”

As I’m getting ready for bed, I move some stuff on the table and lo and behold, I have mail! I never get mail. I open it up and it’s a Christmas card from an old friend. She’s someone I see a lot less often than I’d like, but think about often. Inside the card it says:

“Merry Christmas to one of the bravest, most ambitious ladies I know (even if you don’t feel like it everyday – you are!)”

And I cried. Continue reading

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Catch 22

I’m pretty sure I’m hitting an epic climax of what is most likely a quarter life crisis. I’m stuck in a bundle of catch 22’s. I can’t get out of my rut until I stay in my rut long enough to make some money and headway. I lack motivation, patience and definition. It’s sorely tempting to sit and write about all of the reason’s I’m not happy, but that’s not what I’m going to do.

I’m going to dig deep and find the things that make me happy and the things I’ve achieved, especially since being home.  Continue reading

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About Sucking So Much at Traveling

I’ve been putting a lot of time into reading lately and one of the books I’ve picked up has been earth shattering for me. Undress Me in the Temple of Heaven by Susan Jane Gilman has been inspiring and comforting, and I’m only on chapter four. Why is it so impressive?

It’s honest.

This is the first book I’ve found that admits to the hardships of traveling that I experienced on my trip to Europe. Most travel writers talk of success and boldness while minimizing the idea of stress and complete dependence on the understanding of strangers. The author of this book talks about being terrified of her situation, about being overwhelmed and full of doubt. Admitting to her humanity and the doubts in her heart makes her a bold and refreshing voice. Continue reading

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Soft dreams of glowing light

Once, not that long ago, I couldn’t sleep with light in the darkness of my room. A pinprick of light was more than enough to pierce through my eyelids to keep me awake for hours.

These days I sleep through the soft, black light from my computer screen. Sometimes I wake up to the familiar creak of his wooden bed, but more often I hear nothing until morning, lost in my dreams. A year of electronic slumber parties and a summer of travel has made me an adaptable sleeper.

Tonight I sit in the pure darkness of my room, under my soft fur blanket, feeling like I’ve forgotten something. Tonight there’s no light from my screen, so heavy breath to wake me. My fan blows to block out the sounds of the world, but it seems that a layer of my white noise is gone. There’s no open link to the other side of the world, no comforting presence to be found.

How can such a simple thing mean so very much? How does a soft glow bring such beautiful security and tenderness? It feels strange to go without it.

With or without the light, tonight I will close my eyes and dream soft dreams of him, as I often do.

Categories: Long Distance Relationship, Love, Personal, Travel | Leave a comment

It’s 6 a.m. and your room is dark

It's 6 a.m. and your room is dark

My long distance relationship has a way of changing my thought process.

These days I have trouble deciding to go to sleep. It’s 1 a.m. for me and 6 a.m. for him. Our webcams are on. I’m comforted by the way he turns and sighs in his sleep, as if the distance had fallen away and I could roll over to find him there next to me. If I could only stay up a couple more hours, I would be awake when he gets up. But 4 a.m. is so very late and there is always something to do tomorrow. Instead I will turn my speakers up and wake whenever he makes a noise. Each time I look, the screen will be lighter, parts of the room appearing slowly in the faint sunlight. The shadows will fall back little by little, casting the light of day into my night covered world. I will hear him when he rustles his way out of bed. It will still be dark in the small hours before daylight and I will stumble to the computer to say goedemorgen as he apologizes for waking me, as if it hadn’t been my plan from the start. I will stumble back into bed as he goes for breakfast. I will sleep while he goes to class. If I sleep too late his classes will be nearly finished. By noon he will be home. He will eat his supper while I eat a late lunch. His day will end before it’s dark in my world. I will stay up for hours while he sleeps, accomplishing the things I never seem to get done while he’s awake. I will make a hard decision to sleep again.

Every morning your world shines into mine, the same way you bring light into my life.

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On Coming Home

Coming home after traveling sucks. There’s no sense in sugar coating it to look better than it is. Coming home is confusing and frustrating for yourself and for everyone around you. I’ve been home for a little over two weeks and I’m still coming to terms with it. Continue reading

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This Heart(h)-felt moment brought to you by: Video Games

Something kind of amazing happened today.

My boyfriend is a gamer. I’m not talking about a North American variety gamer that plays all day and wishes he was a pro. My boyfriend played with and later managed the Antwerp Aces, a Belgian pro gaming team. I’ve seen videos where people call him a legend and forums where fans beg him to admin competitions. He lived and breathed video games for most of his life and still has an intense passion for them. He doesn’t compete anymore, but he’s on top of the amazing new things to hit the video game industry.

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Long story short, he’s nerdy and I love it.  Continue reading

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Step one to EVERYTHING.

I’ve been researching all night. I’ve been flopping back and forth about my life and my future. It’s too hard, maybe I can’t do it. What if it doesn’t work out? Honestly, whatever. I’ve done with this lack of self confidence. I used to have a proverbial fuck ton of confidence and I’ve got the awards to prove it. It’s time to buck up and claim my future.

PS. This motivation only ever happens at night. Godverdomme!

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How to not learn a language

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I was in Europe for 90 days. Before I left home, I knew that the mother language of my home base in Belgium was Dutch, specifically the Flemish dialect. I poured over books, websites and Rosetta Stone with great ambition, sure that I would know enough Flemish to get by for a summer in Belgium. This lasted a few weeks. Native Belgians and friends who had traveled the area told me that almost everyone could speak English. I stopped studying, comfortable in the fact that I would be just fine and learn as I went.

Big mistake.
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