Today was another hard day.
We made the second trip to the airport in an attempt to get my boyfriend home to Belgium. The weather channel had been calling for lots of freezing rain, so in order to avoid driving on bad roads, we spent the night in the city at a hotel. We made the best of the mini adventure by going to see A Good Day to Die Hard at the theatre and eating lots of sugar afterward. In the morning it was rain, freezing rain and snow. The airport was clearly having a hard time keeping up with the snow for a while, but thankfully (and unfortunately), after a bit of a delay the plane was able to take off.
As I expected, it was difficult to say goodbye. I cried less at first because we had already said goodbye once, and to be honest part of me just expected he would just be back soon and we would have a few more days again. Having him come right back to me the first time only fed my wild imagination, as if we would just keep repeating the cycle forever. Of course, as much as I love having him with me, he has his family, friends and work to get back to. By the time he arrives home it will be enough time to sleep and get on a plane to Vienna for his next gig. It was already a very close call, so I shouldn’t be selfish.
Taking my boyfriend to the airport twice proved to be very hard on us both. With only a couple of days between the flight and the Vienna gig, he was a twitchy mess. I was playing drill sergeant trying to keep everything together and on time. It put stress on the balance in our relationship, causing unnecessary bickering. We also ended up taking unnecessary risks with our lives and spending money that could have gone toward my summer trip. All I really have to say is THANKS AIR CANADA.
This is the first night I’ll have slept without him in almost three months. I’m terrified to even get in bed. It’s a hotel bed, it’s not familiar and I’m stuck here until morning. I’ve even looked at the highway conditions with the idea that maybe I could just go now, even though it’s after midnight and past my driving curfew. I just want to be home in my own bed, hugging my Pokemon body pillow, feeling comfy and loved. Instead I’m stuck and what shouldn’t be a big deal feels scary, quiet and lonely. (As I type that, a snow plow goes by my window and makes a huge noise. Did I mention I’m on the first floor?)
I’m not a fool. I understand that this is a hard life to choose to live. I’m also aware that my rough estimate count down is 88 days from Europe. I know that life will go on, and three months isn’t long at all. I know the internet will keep us close and that webcams are amazing inventions. However I also know that its past midnight, my friends are asleep and my love is still on a plane. Tonight I am alone and unfortunately my big girl pants got left at the airport today.
The thing is, I’m not the type of person who likes to cry. I used to be very good at it, and I spent a lot of time crying over the wrong things and the wrong people. Being away from the guy I love SUCKS, lets not lie about it, but it also isn’t the worst thing I’ve had to do. As a rule I don’t believe that things happen for a reason, as if it was preordained. I do believe that crazy shit does happen that can prepare you for the future. For example, a couple of years ago I went through a crazy break up and a lot of lessons came out of it. The one that applies here is that there is a BIG difference between someone who has to leave and someone who is leaving YOU. Having someone leave me in the dust with an extreme lack of self-confidence and self-respect has given me the perspective that this is not the same. This is not bad. This is just one shitty thing I had to get through in order to move on to the greatest adventure I have ever dreamed of.
That being said, the plan is to keep really fucking busy. It’s Wednesday, February 20th and I have to be moved by the end of the month. Monday my furniture gets moved by truck, and that will probably be the day I start sleeping there as well. My boyfriend’s plane issues have kept me from getting much done, I’ve got a ton of things to work on between now and the end of the month. The Mominator is coming over tomorrow to help me pack for a few hours after work, so that should take a chunk out of it.
Well, as Will Smith says in the After Earth trailer “Fear is not real. It is a product of thoughts you create.” I guess that means there’s nothing to be afraid of if I go to bed.
Maybe I’ll just edit some more blog posts instead…
(EDIT: True to my word I stayed up an extra two hours editing and posting. Work should be fun in the morning!)